Sometimes it takes a preacher

I am 63 years old, married 34 years, and a widow now for 7. It’s important you know this to fully appreciate the point of this blog post. You should also know I was born and raised as an Irish Catholic and married a German Catholic, my high school sweetheart, when I was just 21 years old. We met in Catholic School, and our three daughters attended the same Catholic school. All three of them are married to Catholic husbands.

So let me tell you why this matters. In the last 5 years of my 7 years as a widow, I have stopped attending church regularly. Now understand, as a Catholic you go to Church EVERY Sunday. And now, all of a sudden, I wasn’t. Up until today, I don’t know that I could articulate why that was. No sense of anger or sadness. It just was. But the answer came to me today at…of all places….church! Occasionally these last five years, I have attended a non-denominational church here in Durham with friends. Yesterday, I felt the need to attend. The reason why is a WHOLE OTHER blog post. But having just gotten back from Church, I needed to type this story out, so that’s what you’re getting today.

I attended New Hope Church….with Jes, one of my Dimes. (“Dime Circle” is ALSO A WHOLE OTHER blog post for another day). I have attended this church with her, and occasionally by myself, when I felt the need. I love its diversity..people of every color and nationality.. and the music, just WOW. Now let’s be real for a minute. As a Catholic, I had to get comfortable with its unabashed love affair with Jesus. But hey, everybody but Catholics and Jews are part of that club, so why not. Today’s sermon was the first in a series on Marriage. I didn’t know that when I got in the car with Jes to go. In hindsight, it’s a good thing because I don’t think I would have gone; the topic not really resonating with me at first glance. But God works in mysterious ways, does he not?

The guest preacher was Clayton King. He and his wife, also part of his ministry, were there as part of the kickoff of the Marriage series as key presenters at both a weekend program and Sunday services. Much to my surprise, he drew me into his story, his message, right from the beginning. His quote that his “wife was the fourth voice of the Holy Trinity” in his ear on a daily basis is worthy of its own blog post (so that’s three more blogs and counting). He gave a great talk that framed marriage as a three-way partnership with God as the central figure. That it wasn’t about just our individual happiness, but the collective “we” that produced the greatest love and impact. I’m paraphrasing. He’s words were much better. He admitted marriage was hard and was messy. But it was ALL those things because… it mattered. And when something matters it is worthy of the hard work to get it right. And it mattered because the collective “we” mattered. We collectively belonged to each other, needed and supported each other, and were better as a result of it. And isn’t that what we’re on the earth to do, to just be better?

Now that is a short description of a much more eloquent 45 minute conversation. I know you’re thinking right now… I bet her “come to Jesus moment” in this 45 minutes of reflection was the belonging and mattered part, right? Well…kind of. Once I got home, my heart and mind kept coming back to it. And I’ve learned to listen to my heart and mind when it won’t let something go, because eventually the light shines and I see it. In this particular case the “it” surprised me. I came to the realization today that my faith was inexplicably tied to my marriage. That I went to Catholic Church every Sunday, sent my children to Catholic School every year, because it was a shared “we” experience. It was as natural as breathing. And when the children were raised and the husband was gone, where was the “we”? And don’t get me wrong, I never lost faith. But I did lose purpose. Because my life…my purpose….as I knew it was NEVER about me. Just the collective we. Without it, who was me?

I totally get that there is still a “we” here with God. But what I understand now, was that I wasn’t rejecting the Casey/God collective “we”…I just didn’t know how to do this new “we”. And I probably still don’t, because I’m still figuring out the authentic me part. But for the first time in a long time, I think I want to figure it out. So thank you Clayton King for pushing through the fog and creating some clarity around the why. I have no doubt I can figure out the what and the how now that the why, the purpose, is so clear.

So next time, I’ll make the official stop at the New Hope Welcome table. I’ll rib Pastor Benji that it took a visiting preacher to get me to join. I’ll grab a Starbucks in the lobby (yes, they have a Starbucks in their lobby and that really does matter). I’ll find my seat early and up front to catch the incredible band that plays at every service. I ‘ll do my normal old white lady singing and swaying and dancing when they begin to play and I’ll appreciate the black and brown people around me smiling at my good intentions rather than shaking their heads in horror. I’ll be there to just work on understanding the “me” in the new “we” the two of us are creating. Cause I believe God likes the authentic me. Come on, why wouldn’t he… he created it. I just have to find it again.