Category: Uncategorized

My Life in Movies: Wakanda Forever.

In honor of the 2020 Oscars, here are the movies that best represent the chapters in my life so far…what are yours?

I watched an interview recently, where 20 year NBA veteran Jamal Crawford said that he viewed his career like a hip hop artist dropping albums. Using Jay Z as an example he likened his Chicago Bulls playing time to Jay Z’s Reasonable Doubt album. On the other hand, his New York Knicks career was more like The Black Album. And while I wouldn’t begin to embarrass myself or any hip hop artist by attempting to view my life through their magical music, I did get to thinking about how the plot lines in the story of my life would definitely relate to some great movies that we all know and love. I’m sure that idea was not so much my original thinking as it was the result of too many hours of watching this years Oscar’s show. And yes, I did get the whole Eminem thing, unlike most of the crowd.

Putting the many years of my life into just a few chapters isn’t easy, but let’s begin with the first two decades as chapter one. My high school rebellion, college craziness, and pre-marriage years can best be summarized by the BREAKFAST CLUB; not any one character, but bits and pieces of all five of the stars in this film. I went through every one of those phases, sometimes two at a time. And yes, I did my fair share of detention, smoking in the senior lounge, sleeping through my freshman year, worrying about grades, and wearing combat boots and oversized sweaters. And if that’s a difficult visual for you to believe, I can guarantee you that my High School BFF’s, who still matter in my life, will comment on this blog with a 70’s “true that”.

The next two decades of my life provides a chapter title that’s pretty obvious: SPEED. Not because I ever drove a bus or was almost killed by a bomb, or that I fell in love with Keanu Reeves…well ok I did fall in love with Keanu Reeves…alright, alright, I’m still in love with Keanu Reeves; but mostly because those years where just a constant pedal to the metal, praying you wouldn’t crash feeling every day, all day, hoping you are doing this thing called life right. Married two weeks after graduating from college, pregnant three months later, building a career, raising three daughters, moving to a new state not once but twice, losing both my parents, and fighting for equality was a crazy ass bus ride. It sometimes felt like 50 miles an hour and steady, sometimes 80 and frighting, and sometimes a very slow and depressing 25. But just like Sandra Bullock, I had my own Keanu Reeves helping me keep a steady foot on the gas and two hands on the wheel. My husband and I navigated our way through it all when many couples would not have; and my children appear to be none the worse for it. Although, let’s all just admit one thing. We really wanted Sandra Bullock and Keanu Reeves to end up together in real life, right?

And then there’s this chapter. There are so many films I could go with for the next two decades of my life but I decided on the movie WILD. While these were definitely some of my absolute best years, they were also sometimes the ones I questioned the most. With the kids grown and married, my career on auto pilot, and the freedom to explore, I started to think about my legacy. And I’m not always quite sure what it is. And just as I’m wrestling with the question of me and who I am, I lose my husband. In this chapter I’m no longer a wife but a widow. Now there is only me. I really question who I am, where I’ve been and where I’m now going. I wonder if the path my life has taken was the right one. And just like Reese Witherspoon in the movie, I eventually realize that all those things I’ve questioned about my life is what has brought me to here. And here is my life. It belongs only to me. Unlike her character in the movie however, I chose to spend my time in therapy to reach that conclusion rather than backpacking thousands of miles of wilderness along the Pacific West Trail.

And now we come to my current chapter. This analogy is going to have you saying WTF? But…only a couple of years into this next two decades, I am living the life of BLACK PANTHER. And yes, I am fully aware I am not black, nor male, nor a super hero. But what I believe resonates with people (and especially me) in this movie, is the wonder and awe of Wakanda. I am living very happily in a state of Wakanda in this chapter of my life. Full of love for what my live is and what it could be. It is peaceful like the fictional country of Wakanda, but always looking for the next better way to live. I am not however naive enough to believe that danger isn’t always lurking near by. And so I stock pile my own stash of vibranium..my tribe of people that will always be there to protect my wonder and awe. So all is good. And let’s be real here. Who doesn’t love those bad ass warrior women. And the clothes? Yeeeessss..Wakunda forever for me!

28 Days In…

AN UPDATE: On the 66 Day Journey to Positive Habits.

So…if you know me…I mean really know me. It would not surprise you at all that I am posting my first update 28 days in to my 66 Day Journey to Positive Habits. You remember that blog, right? You know…the “it’s a new year, and here’s how I’m going to improve my life” deep essay at the beginning of the year. The expectation that I set for myself in that first blog was a weekly accounting of how well I was doing. The point in doing that was to share with you lessons learned along the way and quite frankly, a little bit of accountability on my end.  YEAH…so much for a renewed effort on accountability in 2020.

But all is not lost. It is said that in failure there is great opportunity for learning. And if I have learned nothing in my failures, it’s that’s it’s also a great opportunity for SPIN. So do not think of this post as long overdue. Instead, think of it as me intentionally waiting until I had passed that first 21 days that research says is necessary for your new behavior to start feeling normal. So now everything I share is “officially research tested”. I know, that’s me….always thinking of how to “officially” help.

So before my “official findings”, let me provide some context to the story. I am widow of 7 years now, after an incredibly happy 36 year marriage to my high school sweetheart. We were clearly the ying to each other’ s yang, and it worked. And while in my heart, I always knew he was the discipline side of our lives, in my brain I somehow retained this notion that I “allowed him to be the discipline side”; because surely I possessed the discipline necessary for my own life, right? Wrong…so, so wrong.

I didn’t come to grips with this realization until a good 5 years after his death. And even after reaching that point, I lived the next 2 years with the rationalization that discipline wasn’t really necessary in my life at this point anyway. Again, Wrong…so, so wrong. Finally, both my heart and my brain started screaming… it’s time this issue gets addressed. Writing about it and creating a public accountability seemed the perfect way to ensure success. And.. one more time, Wrong…so, so wrong.

But there are lessons learned on any journey and remember, mine are “officially researched tested” lessons. So let me share just a quick few that were glaringly obvious in just 28 days.

JANUARY 1st IS NOT FULL OF SPECIAL FAIRY DUST

I understand the thinking behind the idea that the first of the year is a good time to start anew. And typically, there are a lot of people that start out with strong early commitment in January and that inspiration to begin the year with healthy, productive behavior. Unfortunately, not me. In my case the first two weeks of January had three major deadlines that had me living with fast food, caffeine, old sweatpants, and a laptop permanently connected to my thighs until 2am most days. The concept of a new year can be a strong motivator for change. It can also be an unrealistic trap that leads us to continue rationalizing why bad behavior because good behavior isn’t attainable. There is no special fairy dust in January that makes change inevitable. The best time is the time when it works best for you, and if that’s August 29th, then go for it! For me it turned out to be January 18th, when my deadlines were passed and salad sounded good again.

TAKE THE LITTLE WINS

Like most people, my new disciplined life full of healthy habits required a major overhaul of many of my daily routines. So I started off with a major overhaul of both my morning routine and my nighttime routine. I devised a very specific hour and a half routine each day and night that would ensure I was using my time in a healthy, self reflective, and efficient and preparatory way. About 40% of the routine I had already been doing, but about 60% was new or an increased amount of what I had previously been doing. Within 5 days I had gotten into a routine of about 60% of it…and have never progressed beyond that. But guess what? The 20% I added is a great healthy addition. And a couple weeks in, I’m still doing that extra 20%….well, most days. Take the little wins. Adding little wins over time gets you to the same place. And it creates a real confidence that the next 20% is possible.

VISUALIZE IT UNIQUELY YOUR WAY

I’m sure you’ve heard that new age wisdom…see it, then be it! A lot of great athletes spend time visualizing their success, so why not us average people? No… I did not just mean to imply that you should spend time every evening visualizing you taking your vitamins the following morning. But what I have learned about myself, is that I am a visual learner. It helps me to process how it all works, when I can see it on paper or on a whiteboard. Knowing that, I took a big poster board and mapped out the morning and night routines…with pictures and colors and arrows and smiley faces and clocks. And then taped it to my closet doors that I have to open every morning and close every night. Damn, if that doesn’t hit me in the face a couple of times a day. I keep a marker handy and add to it some days. Visualizing works. But it really works if you do in a way that uniquely resonates with you. I love mine now…but don’t ask. There is no way in hell I’m sharing it!

So there you go…28 days in…15 days of changed behavior…20% improvement. I’ll take that progress. See you at 56…I mean next week.

My 66 Day Journey to Positive Habits

Going into 2019, I adopted the mantra that “2019 was all about 2020”.  I had some serious change of direction I wanted to achieve but realistically understood that getting there would require me to remove myself from some current commitments.  So I accepted that 2019 would require me to do two things: work extra hard to complete what was required to begin the process of removing myself from current commitments; and actively preparing for the new direction I really wanted to pursue. In the end, 2019 went relatively close to plan. My current commitments will finish up by mid year 2020 and progress on my new direction has been fruitful, but also inconsistent. After some serious introspection, I attribute this inconsistency not to the constraints of doing both simultaneously, but to my inability to understand and cultivate the discipline of appropriate habits. 

I enter 2020 with a new mantra;  “2020 is all about cultivating the discipline of habits”.  It surprised me to discover that most of our habits are learned, not instinctual, but we perform them unconsciously as if they were. In his book, The Power of Habit, Charles Duhigg contends that more than 40% of the actions we perform daily are not a result of deliberate decisions but of often unconscious habit. As important as our willpower is, it doesn’t act alone.  It is channeled through our daily routines; those patterns of behavior we mindlessly follow. Thus our will to do something can easily be undermined by our habits.

I have spent some serious time these first few days of the new year examining my habits. And specifically the habits that I unconsciously perform each day, and how they affect my ability to accomplish what I’ve set out to achieve. Some effective; a lot, not so much. Some surprised me as they have clearly evolved and changed as my life circumstances have changed without any intentionality by me. The good news here though is that you can learn to practice new habits. Habits are simply automatic actions (behaviors) that are triggered by cues. Getting into a car automatically triggers the behavior of putting your seat belt on for example. You can consciously change that behavior, and with time and repetition, it can become a habit. 

So that is my goal this year. Understanding and cultivating habits that support my personal and professional agenda for 2020 and beyond. Most research agrees that this new behavior begins to feel normal in 2 to 3 weeks, but doesn’t form into the space of unconscious habit on average for 66 days. Consistency and reinforcement are a couple of the key factors in the success of forming a new habit. So here goes. I’ve designed a couple of very specific new habits and the corresponding behavior changes that are necessary to get there. And with that, I begin my 66 day journey. Because one of those behaviors is to write more consistently, I’ve decided to write about this particular topic weekly for the almost 10 weeks it will take my brain to set this into auto pilot. I’m hopeful the public engagement will be the positive reinforcement that helps me get there. Let’s do this 2020!

Watch for Weekly Sunday updates on the 66 Day Journey to Positive Habits

Women have gotten the Invite and the Lean In….so WHY do we still feel frustrated?

In the ongoing struggle to achieve equality there has been a lot shared to help us as women learn how to participate in the cause on our own behalf.  Early on, it was all about getting a seat at the table. Our battle cry reflected our need to be seen and treated as an equal voice in the conversation. The intentional inclusion of women on boards, on stages, and inside business C suites was the result.

The next wave however told us that we should not be satisfied with just the invitation to be seen as participants, but instead lean in to that opportunity and use it; use our voice, our influence to shape and inform the conversation. The #MeToo movement clearly showed how powerful our voice can be. Thousands of women world wide starting sharing their stories of abuse and harassment.  Add to that the  record number of women running for and winning political office all over the country as further proof of the power of our influence.  There are currently more women serving in Congress than ever before in the history of the United States. 

So, we’ve been invited to the table. We’ve used that invitation to lean into the opportunity. We’re using our voice and influence to raise the volume on the importance of the cause. I’m excited that’s happening. BUT…I also know that many women feel far removed from that success and are struggling to apply it to their own lives. They remain frustrated about their everyday circumstance and confused about how to personally benefit from the success of the bigger movement.  As I speak around the country, I hear their stories and feel their trepidation about the future, at a time when the media is telling us we should be celebrating.

So how can we learn from the current momentum nationally to help our personal journey?  All journeys have key milestones and the following four strategies can help you identify yours. Grab a journal and write down these four statements on the top of a page. Take time to write your thoughts as you progress through this journey. 

  1. Acknowledging the Fear and Sadness:  Sit down and tell yourself that the fear you feel is real. Your life is not what you want it to be. While others have had the opportunity to move forward, you have not. Apply no blame. Just acknowledge it as truth. Write.
  2. Use the Frustration as Fuel…Get Mad: Once you’ve acknowledged the sadness as real, it’s ok to get mad. Left to fester, anger can be non productive and dangerous. But it can also be a powerful tool to motivate change. Be intentional about harnessing the fuel of the anger towards a solution NOT the problem. Write.
  3. Spend the Time to Understand it: The anger will turn to power when you take the time to understand. Ask yourself WHY? Question everything. Then read, listen, talk about the why’s with friends and colleagues. Write.
  4. Use the Knowledge to Do Something About it: It is at this point where the plan to do something about your current circumstance starts to take shape. You have acknowledged, then fueled, then prepared, and are now poised to act. You will be surprised how connected and empowered you feel to participate in this important movement of change on your own behalf.

If we have learned anything through this current movement, it is that women are indeed capable of navigating their own journey. Will there be roadblocks along the way? Of course. And I won’t trivialize how many and how high those still are.  We have centuries of patriarchal systems to overcome. Systems that will make you sad then mad; then determined to understand them and ultimately fix them.  Join the movement by beginning with you.