Use These Quotes Instead

There better than the comment you really want leave after that post …

I’m a “quote-aholic”. I want and need a quote for every occasion. And let me say upfront, I realize that is not a normal thing. But for me, there is something about reading a quote at that exact right moment in time that just really resonates with you. It’s almost like the universe sent it to you because you needed it. Or else they were just really tired of listening to you complain or struggle or just do really stupid things, but regardless, it mattered at the time. So naturally I feel the need to share the universe’s timely wisdom and have created a book of some of my favorites, including my own.

Originally I complied and composed these quotes and pearls of wisdom to use in cards and notes; but recently have started to us them in my social media posts. In a world that looks for you to put your thoughts and reactions to every headline, viral video or ridiculous comment into some sort of impactful or witty soundbite, it helps to have a few ready for every occasion. It is especially helpful when you really, really want to comment but know it won’t go well if you do. So use these quotes instead. Think of it as a more polite way to say what you really thinking. Here’s a few examples:

“There’s a special place in hell for women who don’t help other women.” A famous quote from Secretary of State Madeline Albright. As opposed to your immediate reaction of ...Bitch, you did not just say that mean girl shit to her!

And then there’s “If you can’t explain it simply, you don’t understand it well enough” from the brilliant Albert Einstein. This one might serve you better than saying….You can not really be that stupid because that shit you just said made no sense at all!

And one of my favorites, “What the human being is best at doing is interpreting all new information so that the prior conclusion remains in tact”. Ok so this one from Warren Buffett is actually even BETTER than the “Just watch ANYTHING other than Fox News for one day, please!” comment post you would have made.

And finally, there are those rare occasions when you, yourself, post something that is profoundly intelligent and insightful and yet someone takes great offense. When they comment with anger and vitriol, try using this quote in your reply from the great Gloria Steinem, “The truth shall set you free. But first it will piss you off. So I get why you’re pissed at me right now.”

Quotes are the best. I leave you one from Neal Donald Walsch that I say to myself everyday…“Life begins at the end of your comfort zone”….and boy, don’t I know it!

Sunday Musings About God and Church

Sometimes it takes a preacher

I am 63 years old, married 34 years, and a widow now for 7. It’s important you know this to fully appreciate the point of this blog post. You should also know I was born and raised as an Irish Catholic and married a German Catholic, my high school sweetheart, when I was just 21 years old. We met in Catholic School, and our three daughters attended the same Catholic school. All three of them are married to Catholic husbands.

So let me tell you why this matters. In the last 5 years of my 7 years as a widow, I have stopped attending church regularly. Now understand, as a Catholic you go to Church EVERY Sunday. And now, all of a sudden, I wasn’t. Up until today, I don’t know that I could articulate why that was. No sense of anger or sadness. It just was. But the answer came to me today at…of all places….church! Occasionally these last five years, I have attended a non-denominational church here in Durham with friends. Yesterday, I felt the need to attend. The reason why is a WHOLE OTHER blog post. But having just gotten back from Church, I needed to type this story out, so that’s what you’re getting today.

I attended New Hope Church….with Jes, one of my Dimes. (“Dime Circle” is ALSO A WHOLE OTHER blog post for another day). I have attended this church with her, and occasionally by myself, when I felt the need. I love its diversity..people of every color and nationality.. and the music, just WOW. Now let’s be real for a minute. As a Catholic, I had to get comfortable with its unabashed love affair with Jesus. But hey, everybody but Catholics and Jews are part of that club, so why not. Today’s sermon was the first in a series on Marriage. I didn’t know that when I got in the car with Jes to go. In hindsight, it’s a good thing because I don’t think I would have gone; the topic not really resonating with me at first glance. But God works in mysterious ways, does he not?

The guest preacher was Clayton King. He and his wife, also part of his ministry, were there as part of the kickoff of the Marriage series as key presenters at both a weekend program and Sunday services. Much to my surprise, he drew me into his story, his message, right from the beginning. His quote that his “wife was the fourth voice of the Holy Trinity” in his ear on a daily basis is worthy of its own blog post (so that’s three more blogs and counting). He gave a great talk that framed marriage as a three-way partnership with God as the central figure. That it wasn’t about just our individual happiness, but the collective “we” that produced the greatest love and impact. I’m paraphrasing. He’s words were much better. He admitted marriage was hard and was messy. But it was ALL those things because… it mattered. And when something matters it is worthy of the hard work to get it right. And it mattered because the collective “we” mattered. We collectively belonged to each other, needed and supported each other, and were better as a result of it. And isn’t that what we’re on the earth to do, to just be better?

Now that is a short description of a much more eloquent 45 minute conversation. I know you’re thinking right now… I bet her “come to Jesus moment” in this 45 minutes of reflection was the belonging and mattered part, right? Well…kind of. Once I got home, my heart and mind kept coming back to it. And I’ve learned to listen to my heart and mind when it won’t let something go, because eventually the light shines and I see it. In this particular case the “it” surprised me. I came to the realization today that my faith was inexplicably tied to my marriage. That I went to Catholic Church every Sunday, sent my children to Catholic School every year, because it was a shared “we” experience. It was as natural as breathing. And when the children were raised and the husband was gone, where was the “we”? And don’t get me wrong, I never lost faith. But I did lose purpose. Because my life…my purpose….as I knew it was NEVER about me. Just the collective we. Without it, who was me?

I totally get that there is still a “we” here with God. But what I understand now, was that I wasn’t rejecting the Casey/God collective “we”…I just didn’t know how to do this new “we”. And I probably still don’t, because I’m still figuring out the authentic me part. But for the first time in a long time, I think I want to figure it out. So thank you Clayton King for pushing through the fog and creating some clarity around the why. I have no doubt I can figure out the what and the how now that the why, the purpose, is so clear.

So next time, I’ll make the official stop at the New Hope Welcome table. I’ll rib Pastor Benji that it took a visiting preacher to get me to join. I’ll grab a Starbucks in the lobby (yes, they have a Starbucks in their lobby and that really does matter). I’ll find my seat early and up front to catch the incredible band that plays at every service. I ‘ll do my normal old white lady singing and swaying and dancing when they begin to play and I’ll appreciate the black and brown people around me smiling at my good intentions rather than shaking their heads in horror. I’ll be there to just work on understanding the “me” in the new “we” the two of us are creating. Cause I believe God likes the authentic me. Come on, why wouldn’t he… he created it. I just have to find it again.

My Life in Movies: Wakanda Forever.

In honor of the 2020 Oscars, here are the movies that best represent the chapters in my life so far…what are yours?

I watched an interview recently, where 20 year NBA veteran Jamal Crawford said that he viewed his career like a hip hop artist dropping albums. Using Jay Z as an example he likened his Chicago Bulls playing time to Jay Z’s Reasonable Doubt album. On the other hand, his New York Knicks career was more like The Black Album. And while I wouldn’t begin to embarrass myself or any hip hop artist by attempting to view my life through their magical music, I did get to thinking about how the plot lines in the story of my life would definitely relate to some great movies that we all know and love. I’m sure that idea was not so much my original thinking as it was the result of too many hours of watching this years Oscar’s show. And yes, I did get the whole Eminem thing, unlike most of the crowd.

Putting the many years of my life into just a few chapters isn’t easy, but let’s begin with the first two decades as chapter one. My high school rebellion, college craziness, and pre-marriage years can best be summarized by the BREAKFAST CLUB; not any one character, but bits and pieces of all five of the stars in this film. I went through every one of those phases, sometimes two at a time. And yes, I did my fair share of detention, smoking in the senior lounge, sleeping through my freshman year, worrying about grades, and wearing combat boots and oversized sweaters. And if that’s a difficult visual for you to believe, I can guarantee you that my High School BFF’s, who still matter in my life, will comment on this blog with a 70’s “true that”.

The next two decades of my life provides a chapter title that’s pretty obvious: SPEED. Not because I ever drove a bus or was almost killed by a bomb, or that I fell in love with Keanu Reeves…well ok I did fall in love with Keanu Reeves…alright, alright, I’m still in love with Keanu Reeves; but mostly because those years where just a constant pedal to the metal, praying you wouldn’t crash feeling every day, all day, hoping you are doing this thing called life right. Married two weeks after graduating from college, pregnant three months later, building a career, raising three daughters, moving to a new state not once but twice, losing both my parents, and fighting for equality was a crazy ass bus ride. It sometimes felt like 50 miles an hour and steady, sometimes 80 and frighting, and sometimes a very slow and depressing 25. But just like Sandra Bullock, I had my own Keanu Reeves helping me keep a steady foot on the gas and two hands on the wheel. My husband and I navigated our way through it all when many couples would not have; and my children appear to be none the worse for it. Although, let’s all just admit one thing. We really wanted Sandra Bullock and Keanu Reeves to end up together in real life, right?

And then there’s this chapter. There are so many films I could go with for the next two decades of my life but I decided on the movie WILD. While these were definitely some of my absolute best years, they were also sometimes the ones I questioned the most. With the kids grown and married, my career on auto pilot, and the freedom to explore, I started to think about my legacy. And I’m not always quite sure what it is. And just as I’m wrestling with the question of me and who I am, I lose my husband. In this chapter I’m no longer a wife but a widow. Now there is only me. I really question who I am, where I’ve been and where I’m now going. I wonder if the path my life has taken was the right one. And just like Reese Witherspoon in the movie, I eventually realize that all those things I’ve questioned about my life is what has brought me to here. And here is my life. It belongs only to me. Unlike her character in the movie however, I chose to spend my time in therapy to reach that conclusion rather than backpacking thousands of miles of wilderness along the Pacific West Trail.

And now we come to my current chapter. This analogy is going to have you saying WTF? But…only a couple of years into this next two decades, I am living the life of BLACK PANTHER. And yes, I am fully aware I am not black, nor male, nor a super hero. But what I believe resonates with people (and especially me) in this movie, is the wonder and awe of Wakanda. I am living very happily in a state of Wakanda in this chapter of my life. Full of love for what my live is and what it could be. It is peaceful like the fictional country of Wakanda, but always looking for the next better way to live. I am not however naive enough to believe that danger isn’t always lurking near by. And so I stock pile my own stash of vibranium..my tribe of people that will always be there to protect my wonder and awe. So all is good. And let’s be real here. Who doesn’t love those bad ass warrior women. And the clothes? Yeeeessss..Wakunda forever for me!

Finding Me First

A story of how a quest to find what was next in my life, became easier once I found the authentic me.

The great Oprah Winfrey once said, “The secret to life is there is no secret to life. You need to be honest with yourself, and do the work. There is just you, this moment and a choice.” These wise words are words I now live by. But it took a forced journey into finding what’s next to really embrace them.

For a whole bunch of reasons we won’t explore in this particular blog post, I have been pretty consistently dabbling in providing women’s empowerment programming the last 3 years. And I am always surprised at the “repeat attendees” that show up time and again to the programs. It was the wise words of the program’s Co-Founder, Jes Averhart that finally resonated when she said to me..”Why does this surprise you? You know women are constantly going through some new shit in their life and they need to remember how to”. And she is right, we are, and we do.

Which also means we are always struggling through some process of trying to “find what’s next“. Sometimes the journey to find what’s next is self imposed and sometimes it’s forced, giving you no choice. These journeys may differ in their urgency and intention, but always equal in the end result.

The last 7 years of my story have been full of both; forced and self imposed. None more forced than the day I became a widow. I lost my husband at the age of 56 to a rare blood disease. We lived on 6 acres in the woods with a large house and several buildings that housed his dog training business. My children were grown, married and living across the US.  I made the decision to sell the property and buy a smaller version of my house in town, closer to my job. I wasn’t upset about selling the property. It was located 20 minutes from my work in a remote section of the County.  I was clearly unable to maintain the property and living alone in the woods that far out of town was not something that I felt good about. 

Once the house sold, I bought a similar but smaller house closer to my work in downtown. I downsized some but brought most of my existing furnishings,  put a fence up for my husbands dogs, and moved in. 

Within 3 months, I hated it. It took me a long time, and an awesome therapist, to really understand why. It wasn’t that the house was too small…or the neighborhood inappropriate….or that I missed my neighbors. In my forced movement to what was next for me as a widow, I allowed myself no time to discover who the next ME was before I made those choices. I misread the moment as urgent and as a result, I kept my life exactly as it had been before my husband died….and just moved it to another house, expecting it to be the same. But it wasn’t the same. It was never going to be the same. And I was never going to be the same. I was trying to live OUR life, instead of MY life. 

So with the help of friends and family, I spent some time figuring out what about me in my new reality was still the authentic me. What did I know to be true about me. I became intentional about becoming self aware of what parts of my life were non negotiable; and what parts of my life I could comfortably put away in my memory box.  This was not an easy exercise with my constant Irish Catholic guilt assessing everything I was choosing to let go of or change. But in the end, I got comfortable with what the new ME was. Here’s what I knew to be true. I loved my work and the community I lived in and worked for. I didn’t want to change that. I needed to live in a property that I could easily maintain and would make my commute easier. I had minimal need for extravagance and prioritized uniqueness and experience instead. With our without a husband, I was, and am a  social extrovert and needed a personal connection to where I lived and the people around me. 

Once I had ME figured out, I embraced the ‘just you” part of Oprah’s wise words. I knew who just you was. And that made it so much easier to recognize “that moment in time” part of those same words. At a work lunch one day, I heard about an apartment that was in a great urban re-use development two blocks from my work. It was just one of 12 apartments in an old converted warehouse building and would go fast. It was something I could maintain, supported my work and made the commute to work stupidly easy. It was small but open and original to its architecture. I could afford it and still spend time and money on experiences. It was authentically me. 

So then, in that moment, I made the choice. Just 7 months after I bought my new house, I put it back on the market and leased the apartment. The house eventually sold and I still live in the apartment today. Once I made the choice, I owned it. I have intentionally curated the community of people that live in the building to become a community of supportive friends in my new life. It supported my forced journey to find what’s next. Several years later it also served as the backdrop to my own self imposed journey to find another next. In my new business, it has hosted people from all over the world…musicians, futurists, corporations, media, investors, entrepreneurs, movie producers, and more. All have hung out on Casey’s Couch.  Understanding the authentic me was something that I always intuitively knew was important, but this journey taught me to not just understand it but to feed it, nurture it, grow it. It has been an important lesson on the journey to finding what’s next for me and has been helpful in my new career.

So many people routinely ask me, how? How did you find your next. And my answer is always the same. First I found me. The authentic me. Then everything else just made sense. 

28 Days In…

AN UPDATE: On the 66 Day Journey to Positive Habits.

So…if you know me…I mean really know me. It would not surprise you at all that I am posting my first update 28 days in to my 66 Day Journey to Positive Habits. You remember that blog, right? You know…the “it’s a new year, and here’s how I’m going to improve my life” deep essay at the beginning of the year. The expectation that I set for myself in that first blog was a weekly accounting of how well I was doing. The point in doing that was to share with you lessons learned along the way and quite frankly, a little bit of accountability on my end.  YEAH…so much for a renewed effort on accountability in 2020.

But all is not lost. It is said that in failure there is great opportunity for learning. And if I have learned nothing in my failures, it’s that’s it’s also a great opportunity for SPIN. So do not think of this post as long overdue. Instead, think of it as me intentionally waiting until I had passed that first 21 days that research says is necessary for your new behavior to start feeling normal. So now everything I share is “officially research tested”. I know, that’s me….always thinking of how to “officially” help.

So before my “official findings”, let me provide some context to the story. I am widow of 7 years now, after an incredibly happy 36 year marriage to my high school sweetheart. We were clearly the ying to each other’ s yang, and it worked. And while in my heart, I always knew he was the discipline side of our lives, in my brain I somehow retained this notion that I “allowed him to be the discipline side”; because surely I possessed the discipline necessary for my own life, right? Wrong…so, so wrong.

I didn’t come to grips with this realization until a good 5 years after his death. And even after reaching that point, I lived the next 2 years with the rationalization that discipline wasn’t really necessary in my life at this point anyway. Again, Wrong…so, so wrong. Finally, both my heart and my brain started screaming… it’s time this issue gets addressed. Writing about it and creating a public accountability seemed the perfect way to ensure success. And.. one more time, Wrong…so, so wrong.

But there are lessons learned on any journey and remember, mine are “officially researched tested” lessons. So let me share just a quick few that were glaringly obvious in just 28 days.

JANUARY 1st IS NOT FULL OF SPECIAL FAIRY DUST

I understand the thinking behind the idea that the first of the year is a good time to start anew. And typically, there are a lot of people that start out with strong early commitment in January and that inspiration to begin the year with healthy, productive behavior. Unfortunately, not me. In my case the first two weeks of January had three major deadlines that had me living with fast food, caffeine, old sweatpants, and a laptop permanently connected to my thighs until 2am most days. The concept of a new year can be a strong motivator for change. It can also be an unrealistic trap that leads us to continue rationalizing why bad behavior because good behavior isn’t attainable. There is no special fairy dust in January that makes change inevitable. The best time is the time when it works best for you, and if that’s August 29th, then go for it! For me it turned out to be January 18th, when my deadlines were passed and salad sounded good again.

TAKE THE LITTLE WINS

Like most people, my new disciplined life full of healthy habits required a major overhaul of many of my daily routines. So I started off with a major overhaul of both my morning routine and my nighttime routine. I devised a very specific hour and a half routine each day and night that would ensure I was using my time in a healthy, self reflective, and efficient and preparatory way. About 40% of the routine I had already been doing, but about 60% was new or an increased amount of what I had previously been doing. Within 5 days I had gotten into a routine of about 60% of it…and have never progressed beyond that. But guess what? The 20% I added is a great healthy addition. And a couple weeks in, I’m still doing that extra 20%….well, most days. Take the little wins. Adding little wins over time gets you to the same place. And it creates a real confidence that the next 20% is possible.

VISUALIZE IT UNIQUELY YOUR WAY

I’m sure you’ve heard that new age wisdom…see it, then be it! A lot of great athletes spend time visualizing their success, so why not us average people? No… I did not just mean to imply that you should spend time every evening visualizing you taking your vitamins the following morning. But what I have learned about myself, is that I am a visual learner. It helps me to process how it all works, when I can see it on paper or on a whiteboard. Knowing that, I took a big poster board and mapped out the morning and night routines…with pictures and colors and arrows and smiley faces and clocks. And then taped it to my closet doors that I have to open every morning and close every night. Damn, if that doesn’t hit me in the face a couple of times a day. I keep a marker handy and add to it some days. Visualizing works. But it really works if you do in a way that uniquely resonates with you. I love mine now…but don’t ask. There is no way in hell I’m sharing it!

So there you go…28 days in…15 days of changed behavior…20% improvement. I’ll take that progress. See you at 56…I mean next week.

Keynote Address: Dr. Martin Luther King Celebration Durham 1/15/2020

The following is a reprint of a Keynote Address to Durham City/County employees celebrating Dr Martin Luther King on January 15, 2020. It is a reprint in its entirety.

I’m not exactly sure who’s idea it was to invite me to be here and share some thoughts with you today. I suspect it’s someone familiar with my current work with Made in Durham. For those of you who aren’t familiar, Made in Durham is a non profit organization that works with many of the programs in Durham dedicated to helping our youth prepare and connect to rewarding careers. We work with those organizations to ensure that they have what they need to be successful, so our youth can be successful. And that’s a big lift ladies and gentlemen. So many of our Durham youth and young adults are living in a world that has not been kind to them. Facing poverty, racism, and daily chaos, their life circumstance does not often reward patience nor provide them many easy options. 

My childhood on the other hand, was much kinder to me. I was raised in a place and time that allowed me to believe in good, in kindness.  To aspire to be great, and to step into leadership.  As I was growing up, my parents held up John F Kennedy and Martin Luther King as examples of true heroes. We mourned their deaths as a family; staying home from school, gathered around the television for their funerals. I was old enough to comprehend the profound sense of loss, but too young to appreciate the pending sense of anxiety for the movement and the country. As I got older and watched the speeches and read the books, I understood the purpose, the history so much better; but honestly, never the raw, bone deep, gut wrenching emotion until I was invited to participate in the Preacher King Tour in 2018.

2018 marked the 50th anniversary of Dr King’s death. To commemorate his death and celebrate his life, Memphis planned a large ceremony with many key leaders of the civil rights movement as speakers. New Hope Church in Durham, led by Pastor Benji Kelly, put together a trip to participate in the anniversary…The Preacher King Tour. A 5 day bus tour designed to follow in the footsteps of Dr. King with stops in Atlanta, Birmingham, Memphis, Selma and Montgomery. It would occur during the 50th anniversary week and we would actually attend the official ceremony in Memphis. Now, I am not a member of New Hope Church but was invited by my friend Jes Averhart, who is a member, to participate. And I jumped at the chance, thinking it would be super interesting and enlightening. It turned out however, to be a profoundly impactful experience that will remain with me for the balance of my life. I’d like to share a little bit of that with you today.

Over the course of the five days of the trip, we visited dozens of churches, museums, and historic sites.  We heard stories about the infamous events from people who lived them; we saw and touched moments in time.  We sat in the Ebenezer Baptist Church on the edge of our seat as a Church member and survivor walked us through the dreadful day that four young black girls, doing nothing more than getting dressed in their choir robes in the basement of the church, were killed in the infamous bombing attack. We walked across the Edmund Pettus Bridge, many hand in hand, sometimes singing, but mostly eerily quiet.  We stood at the entrance of the Lorraine Motel room and looked out at the balcony, vividly imaging Dr King standing there, leaning against the railing, facing the very building where the eventual shot rang out and ended his life. We sat at the ceremony that both celebrated his life and mourned his death in Memphis as a crowd of thousands stood in absolute total silence while the bell tolled 39 times; slowly and dramatically commemorating each of the 39 years of his short life. 

There is so much to say about what I saw and felt during those five days, but not nearly enough time. So today I’d like to share just four “ah ha” moments that I experienced during that trip that made me sit up and pay attention, and 

  • to think differently about Dr King.…
  • to recognize the similarities to my work in Made in Durham …
  • to challenge my view of Durham, as my community, my home.  

And so I’m going to ask you to do the same…challenge you. Challenge you to do these 4 things today:

1. Put your Gray Away

2. Hit up a Slam

3. Prioritize Prosperity

4. Embrace Uncomfortable

PUT YOUR GRAY AWAY

A lot has been written and said about the great Martin Luther King, but what first struck me on this trip was how incredibly young he was by the standards of power and leadership in the 1950’s and 60’s. His rise to the leader of this movement began in his mid 20’s and by 35 years old, he had already won the Nobel Peace Prize. In an era that didn’t recognize black or young as credible, he was both.  So yeah, I quit believing that gray hair is a necessary prerequisite for change. My work at Made in Durham has only reinforced my opinion that gray is overrated.   As I sit across from our Durham youth members, I have come to understand that their own lived experiences earn them the right to lead the change they want to see. Not despite their age, but because of it.  So I challenge each and everyone of you…put your gray away…and engage a youth as an equal partner tomorrow in some conversation or some task. You’ll be surprised by what that partnership can produce.

HIT UP A SLAM

Dr. King’s oratory skills were and still are,  legendary. But what I learned through this tour is that while his thirst for learning fed those skills, his need to share those words is what mattered to him.  While he is most famous for one speech,  I Have a Dream, and one letter, The Letter from Birmingham Jail, do you know he actual wrote 450 speeches and 5 books in his short life?  450…for real! He didn’t write all those speeches and books because he wanted to be a professional writer. He wrote as an outlet for his thoughts, his feelings, his experiences and shared them with the world. So we could learn right along with him and we could be inspired to act. Over 50 years later, they are words we strive to live by.  

That thirst for knowledge, to learn, to express, is present in every youth born in Durham. I’ve seen it firsthand. It is often times a bridge between their reality and our Durham reality. Listening to the written works of several of our Made in Durham youth members has literally brought me to tears and inspired me to stay in this job way longer than I had planned. Just like Dr King, they write as an outlet; to share, to inspire and to change their reality. But also just like Dr. King, their words MUST FIRST BE HEARD FIRST to matter. So I challenge each and every one of you….Hit up a Slam….go hang out this weekend at one of the many youth poetry slams going on throughout Durham, and listen, really listen to the rhythm of the emotion. Let them inspire you to act.

PRIORITIZE PROSPERITY

The third thing that this trip helped me to better understand is that Dr King’s agenda wasn’t just civil rights, but was also human rights.  That’s not to say he ever, ever diminished the importance of civil rights nor the fight to end racial discrimination. In 1963, as he fought for the Civil Rights Act, some questioned the value of regulating what was seen as a moral issue. Dr King’s response to that is classic King, saying…

“That while it may be true that morality cannot be legislated, behavior can be regulated. It may be true that the law cannot make a man love me… but it can keep him from lynching me.”  Shortly thereafter, the historic Civil Rights Act was passed into law.

Dr. King continued to tour the country after that, but instead of claiming victory on the war for racial equality, he began raging a new one: a war on poverty. 

He shared the story of why that was so important in a speech in which he said, “ I tried to tell the nation about a dream I had. I must confess to you this morning that since that sweltering August afternoon in 1963, my dream has often turned into a nightmare. I’ve seen my dream shattered as I’ve walked the streets of Chicago and see Negroes, young men and women with a sense of utter hopelessness because they can’t find jobs. I’ve seen my dream shattered as I’ve been through Appalachia and I’ve seen my white brothers along with Negroes living in such poverty”.   Dr King taught us that creating the opportunity to live a free and prosperous life, requires the opportunity for both: freedom and prosperity. You need both. Durham’s youth deserve the right to live a life of freedom; freedom from the barriers that block their access to prosperity.  They deserve to inherit a Durham from all of us that never stops prioritizing their prosperity, and gives them the freedom to share in it. So I challenge each and every one of you today. Play a role in their barrier free access to prosperity. Find a Durham youth a job experience this summer.  Don’t leave it to chance. Show them that freedom and prosperity does exist for them in Durham

EMBRACE UNCOMFORTABLE

And the fourth moment; The biggest moment for me in this trip was for the first time… feeling, actually feeling, the depth and breath of the hatred and indifference that lived side by side during this time. As a human being it is beyond my brain, beyond my heart, to understand what I saw in those museums; what I heard from those who lived and survived it.  How does one human being hate that blindly, that violently. And at the same time, how do others feel nothing; no sense of outrage or concern, but instead live their lives, blissfully ignoring it.  I will share with you that when you’re standing there.. in that moment, staring at all that evidence of hate and indifference, you would think that anger would take over and engulf you. But instead, there is this incredible sense of hopelessness that surrounds you. You’re confused and uncomfortable. You look around to see who’s watching you, as you watch them. In your head you’re thinking, how am I supposed to feel or act right now?  And you wonder, if I feel this way, 50 years later, how was it possible that so many black Americans, having lived this daily, took to the streets to demonstrate, not in violent resistance, but in peaceful, prayerful defiance.  

And it’s NOW, right then in that moment, as you stand there, that you understand the true power of Martin Luther King. He knew that feeling. And he used that feeling. He very intentionally used every word in those 450 speeches to get you comfortable with the uncomfortable. He told you how to feel and act in that moment by painting a vision of what comfortable looked like. It was a world where “little black boys and black girls will be able to join hands with little white boys and white girls as sisters and brothers”… where “the sons of former slaves and the sons of former slave owners will be able to sit down together at the table of brotherhood”. He took normal acts…holding hands and gathering at tables…and made them normal for all of us. When I first got to Durham, I immediately fell in love with Durham’s ability to be comfortable with the uncomfortable.  I  spoke of it often to newcomers as something they would need to learn to embrace. Recently though, I must confess, I’m finding it difficult to find the comfortable in the uncomfortableness of Durham.  So my challenge to each and everyone of you is this: let’s work on that together. Force yourself to have an uncomfortable conversation today, and find the comfort in just listening, learning, thinking. No judgement, just comfort. Embrace the uncomfortable. Dr King would surely approve.

And that begs the question, what else about Durham would the great Dr King approve of?  I got to thinking about that. If Dr. King were alive today, and asked ME to give him a tour of Durham…because, let’s be real… we all know, its ME he would ask to give him a tour of Durham, right?  Just want to be clear. 

I would say, well Dr. King, like you we value learning and creativity in Durham. So let me start by showing you our Universities and Colleges that produce young scholars like you. I have no doubt he would be smiling ear to ear at the growth and success of North Carolina Central University since he himself was a graduate of  an HBCU. I can picture  Dr King, as a Moorehouse man,  turning and telling me how that great institution “molded his convictions and gave him the confidence to step out… be bold, be creative in his thinking”.

And of course, I’d say, Oh I can totally see the whole confidence, bold, creative thing going on NCCU.  I mean, seriously?  Did you see that Coach Moton offered Bronny a full ride scholarship to attend and play for Central the other week? Bronny! That’s some serious confidence….

Next, I’d take him to see our incredible cultural venues like The Carolina Theater and Hayti and the DPAC, knowing how much he loooooves music and the arts. He would no doubt turn and tell me the story of the time when he was called into to an important meeting with the staff at the Southern Christian Leadership Coalition.  And as he sat at the table to begin the meeting, someone slipped him a note to tell him that they had gotten tickets to a James Brown concert at a nearby College. He’d tell me how he immediately stood up from the large group gathered and said “Sorry ya all…but… James Brown is on and I’m gone!”

We’d  laugh and joke as we continued our tour, walking all over Durham; checking out all the neighborhoods, and schools, and the business parks, and start up hubs, and sports stuff, and the good food, and all that’s real about Durham; So he sees it all. Clearly espousing pride in our diversity and our people along the way.

And of course I would save Black Wall Street for last, walking him down Parish Street telling him all about the history of Black owned business in Durham and the prosperity it created all on its own, despite the times.  I can see Dr King taking it all in, stopping on the corner right down the street from here.  Looking around, seemingly pondering the thought,  I see him turning to me and saying: Casey, from what I’ve learned and what I seen,  here is my hope for you.  I hope that Durham quits espousing and admiring all of its diversity, and starts living it again. He would say to me, “I have always believed that the real problem is that through our scientific genius we’ve made the world a neighborhood. But through our moral and spiritual genius we’ve failed to make it a brotherhood”.  He would say…But I feel the brotherhood here in Durham: Live it again Durham, Go Live it again. 

And finally, I imagine that he would say to me, before I leave, take me to your public servants. Take me to City Hall, and the County Courthouse and to the public health centers, and community libraries. To the neighborhood policing stations, and rec centers. Take me to the people who really make Durham what Durham is…so I may remind them,  “Everybody can be great…because anybody can serve.  You only need a heart full of grace. A soul generated by love”. He would say to me, they are the greatness of Durham, Casey,  and we need to go thank them.  

So we would end our tour of Durham right here, with all of you…the public servants of Durham doing the work that most people think just happens.  He would be impressed by your purpose and your passion. He would inspire you to keep going and he would thank you profusely, as do I.

Last week when I wrote this speech, I planned to end here. But we all know that Durham isn’t the same as it was last week when I wrote this. And I wouldn’t be honoring the spirit of the great Martin Luther King by not acknowledging the tragedy of circumstances at McDougald Terrace; for it was Dr. King himself that said “our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter”. But it was also Dr. King that said the “the time is always right to do something right”. As I stand here today, after witnessing the Mayor and all the elected leadership of my community standing side by side yesterday with the leadership of McDougald Terrace, united in their love of Durham and its people, I have complete and unshakeable faith, that Durham will do what’s right. And like everyone I know in Durham, I stand ready to be part of that solution. And I say to you Mayor, as the song goes, just put me in coach. I’m ready today!

I feel blessed to live in Durham, North Carolina. I’ve made a conscious choice to call this place my home. Durham’s soul and mine have become authentically intertwined.  Which means my soul and yours have become the same. And that ladies and gentlemen requires me then to bestow on you a traditional Irish blessing before I end…well,  we are in Church…and I am Irish…and all that..so here goes….

May you be poor in misfortune, 

And Rich in blessings,

Slow to make enemies,

And fast to make friends!

 May the winds of fortune sail you,

And May you sail a gentle sea.

May it always be the other guy

who says, “this drink’s on me.”

Thank you for all you do for Durham…and on behalf of Made in Durham, a special thank you for all you do for Durham’s youth.  God Bless.

My 66 Day Journey to Positive Habits

Going into 2019, I adopted the mantra that “2019 was all about 2020”.  I had some serious change of direction I wanted to achieve but realistically understood that getting there would require me to remove myself from some current commitments.  So I accepted that 2019 would require me to do two things: work extra hard to complete what was required to begin the process of removing myself from current commitments; and actively preparing for the new direction I really wanted to pursue. In the end, 2019 went relatively close to plan. My current commitments will finish up by mid year 2020 and progress on my new direction has been fruitful, but also inconsistent. After some serious introspection, I attribute this inconsistency not to the constraints of doing both simultaneously, but to my inability to understand and cultivate the discipline of appropriate habits. 

I enter 2020 with a new mantra;  “2020 is all about cultivating the discipline of habits”.  It surprised me to discover that most of our habits are learned, not instinctual, but we perform them unconsciously as if they were. In his book, The Power of Habit, Charles Duhigg contends that more than 40% of the actions we perform daily are not a result of deliberate decisions but of often unconscious habit. As important as our willpower is, it doesn’t act alone.  It is channeled through our daily routines; those patterns of behavior we mindlessly follow. Thus our will to do something can easily be undermined by our habits.

I have spent some serious time these first few days of the new year examining my habits. And specifically the habits that I unconsciously perform each day, and how they affect my ability to accomplish what I’ve set out to achieve. Some effective; a lot, not so much. Some surprised me as they have clearly evolved and changed as my life circumstances have changed without any intentionality by me. The good news here though is that you can learn to practice new habits. Habits are simply automatic actions (behaviors) that are triggered by cues. Getting into a car automatically triggers the behavior of putting your seat belt on for example. You can consciously change that behavior, and with time and repetition, it can become a habit. 

So that is my goal this year. Understanding and cultivating habits that support my personal and professional agenda for 2020 and beyond. Most research agrees that this new behavior begins to feel normal in 2 to 3 weeks, but doesn’t form into the space of unconscious habit on average for 66 days. Consistency and reinforcement are a couple of the key factors in the success of forming a new habit. So here goes. I’ve designed a couple of very specific new habits and the corresponding behavior changes that are necessary to get there. And with that, I begin my 66 day journey. Because one of those behaviors is to write more consistently, I’ve decided to write about this particular topic weekly for the almost 10 weeks it will take my brain to set this into auto pilot. I’m hopeful the public engagement will be the positive reinforcement that helps me get there. Let’s do this 2020!

Watch for Weekly Sunday updates on the 66 Day Journey to Positive Habits

Unleashing your personal SUPER POWER…

The world is fascinated with superhero’s.  Don’t believe me? The top 100 superhero movies have grossed over $20B worldwide since they started hitting the big screen.  Yes, I said B; as in Billions.  The 2018 movie releases ended the year at $3B and are still going strong!  So I asked myself why? What is the fascination with superhero’s? And my answer? When it’s all said and done, it’s not the superhero. It’s the super power! 

We all want one! We imagine how different our lives would be if we HAD one. I readily admit, I believe we all fantasize about just how much good…versus just how much evil… we would use our super powers for. And by evil I simply refer to greater self indulgence rather than community good. 

But why just fantasize? What if you actually turned that fantasy of super power dominance into a reality of sorts for you and your life.  Think about it. We all have talents and skills, both God given and acquired. And we have been taught to believe the more we have, the better. So we spend time trying to become proficient at many. But how many of us have taken the time to identify the one or two things that we are REALLY good at and hone it into our own unique super power?

I eventually figured out that my personal super power was that I was able to walk into a room full of people with differing ideas and opinions around a task or objective, and within 5 minutes accurately see the path to a positive outcome for all. I could then lead a conversation down that path which eventually got everyone to a positive end. Sounds simple. But it took a long time for me to actually understand that not everyone’s brain worked that way. Not everyone saw an obvious  path with such clarity so quickly. Once I understood that was MY super power, I spent time harnessing it and honing it for both the good of the work I was doing, and quite frankly for my own personal success. 

We all have a super power. Finding it and working it is easier than you think.  Here are three easy steps to get you started.

  1. Identifying It:  Write a list of your skillsets. List all the things you think you’re good at and them rate them from A to F.   Now look at all your A’s  and pick the one that stands out. Ask, what makes me good at that?. Understand the nuance of why you are better at that skill than others. At first glance, I thought my power came from my ability to get everybody to the same outcome. There are many people who excel at that process.  But what I eventually understood was that my real power was the ability to see the end outcome so clearly and quickly before anyone else. The answer just always seemed so immediately obvious.  Is there a unique clarity that you bring to your skill that others don’t? Embrace that uniqueness.
  2. Harness It: Now that you’ve identified it, practice it.  Be very aware and intentional about how you use it.  Evaluate your level of success each time, and write it down. Keep a list of lessons learned after each time you use it. Practice those lessons learned under differing circumstances and pay attention to your success each time. 
  3. Hone It:  With practice, comes the confidence to use it when and how it is most impactful. Like a superhero super power, it becomes instinctual. Work at taking it to a “uniquely you” level by challenging yourself to do it more effectively each time. Not everyone will appreciate or understand your super power, but they will love what you do with it. 

So get ready…the world loves a super power…and you’ve just unleashed yours!

Watch for more blog posts for a deeper dive into these three easy steps for unleashing your personal super power.

Women have gotten the Invite and the Lean In….so WHY do we still feel frustrated?

In the ongoing struggle to achieve equality there has been a lot shared to help us as women learn how to participate in the cause on our own behalf.  Early on, it was all about getting a seat at the table. Our battle cry reflected our need to be seen and treated as an equal voice in the conversation. The intentional inclusion of women on boards, on stages, and inside business C suites was the result.

The next wave however told us that we should not be satisfied with just the invitation to be seen as participants, but instead lean in to that opportunity and use it; use our voice, our influence to shape and inform the conversation. The #MeToo movement clearly showed how powerful our voice can be. Thousands of women world wide starting sharing their stories of abuse and harassment.  Add to that the  record number of women running for and winning political office all over the country as further proof of the power of our influence.  There are currently more women serving in Congress than ever before in the history of the United States. 

So, we’ve been invited to the table. We’ve used that invitation to lean into the opportunity. We’re using our voice and influence to raise the volume on the importance of the cause. I’m excited that’s happening. BUT…I also know that many women feel far removed from that success and are struggling to apply it to their own lives. They remain frustrated about their everyday circumstance and confused about how to personally benefit from the success of the bigger movement.  As I speak around the country, I hear their stories and feel their trepidation about the future, at a time when the media is telling us we should be celebrating.

So how can we learn from the current momentum nationally to help our personal journey?  All journeys have key milestones and the following four strategies can help you identify yours. Grab a journal and write down these four statements on the top of a page. Take time to write your thoughts as you progress through this journey. 

  1. Acknowledging the Fear and Sadness:  Sit down and tell yourself that the fear you feel is real. Your life is not what you want it to be. While others have had the opportunity to move forward, you have not. Apply no blame. Just acknowledge it as truth. Write.
  2. Use the Frustration as Fuel…Get Mad: Once you’ve acknowledged the sadness as real, it’s ok to get mad. Left to fester, anger can be non productive and dangerous. But it can also be a powerful tool to motivate change. Be intentional about harnessing the fuel of the anger towards a solution NOT the problem. Write.
  3. Spend the Time to Understand it: The anger will turn to power when you take the time to understand. Ask yourself WHY? Question everything. Then read, listen, talk about the why’s with friends and colleagues. Write.
  4. Use the Knowledge to Do Something About it: It is at this point where the plan to do something about your current circumstance starts to take shape. You have acknowledged, then fueled, then prepared, and are now poised to act. You will be surprised how connected and empowered you feel to participate in this important movement of change on your own behalf.

If we have learned anything through this current movement, it is that women are indeed capable of navigating their own journey. Will there be roadblocks along the way? Of course. And I won’t trivialize how many and how high those still are.  We have centuries of patriarchal systems to overcome. Systems that will make you sad then mad; then determined to understand them and ultimately fix them.  Join the movement by beginning with you.