Beginning the New Year: The Significance of “21”.

The cry that was heard around the world last night…”Thank God for “21”. Unless you were living in a hut in some remote section of the rain forest these last 10 months, celebrating the end of 2020 and the beginning of 2021 was an exercise in sheer mental relief. No reason to be anything but real here people; 2020 sucked! So the countdown for 2021 began much earlier than normal, and sounded much louder than prior years, even with most people hunkered down indoors.

I was going to begin this paragraph with…”and that got me to thinking,..” But that’s pretty redundant, since “everything gets me to thinking”. Instead let’s say, that should have ALL of us thinking about the significance of 21. Not the year, but the number. Especially in American culture, 21 is a big deal. For most of the twentieth century it was the legal age of adulthood. In the last four decades that changed, as 18 year olds are not legally allowed to vote, and can legally be tried as an adult in a court of law. However, much of America still personally defines adulthood…the age of maturity…. as 21. It brings with it that ever important gift of freedom. It’s that time in your life when you have the freedom to raise a glass of alcohol with friends; the freedom to begin choosing what career to pursue as opposed to job you need; and what car you want to rent today and start saving to buy tomorrow. But 21 also brings a much greater emphasis on responsibility. Society’s expectations for your life, your responsibility to that society, begin to become metrics of your success. Yes, I know that no one should set their goals in life strictly to adhere to what the “greater society thinks”, but reality is, in a democratic society there is an expectation of contributing. And studies and polls over the years consistency show our young adults do feel that pressure to somehow “attain adulthood” in their early twenties. To become both independent and responsible.

So what’s the point here Casey? If you combine that feeling of our desperate need to move out of the circumstances that 2020 has created with our belief that a year with the moniker of 21 will bring us freedom from all of that, you must also remind yourself that it also brings that same emphasis on responsibility. We have been at war in this country, especially this last year, over the idea that freedom and responsibility are somehow independent of each other instead of interdependent. That we somehow have the right to be free without accepting the responsibility that freedom commands. We don’t expect that of our 21 year old children when we lecture them on the responsibility of not drinking and driving; or getting a job and paying taxes or committing to love and support their eventual spouse and children. For most of us, 21 stands for freedom AND responsibility. We have every right to wish for a pandemic free year, a prosperous economy, and normalcy to our lives in 2021. We also have a responsibility to actively make that happen. Being an adult means you understand that it is the responsibility of the collective ‘we” to create the kind of community that the individual “me” gets to enjoy. Let’s embrace that and all be responsible in 2021 so we can be free of 2020. It’s the adult thing to do.

Try a TRIBE TRIP WALL instead

Every year on News Year Eve or New Years Day, a group of my girlfriends and I get together and spend the night vision boarding. What is vision boarding you ask? Well, in addition to an excuse to get together with friends to eat, drink and discuss the latest Netflix show (seriously, have you not seen Bridgerton yet?), it is the process of selecting and pasting visual images of what the next year is hopefully going to look like for you onto a poster board. It’s an exercise that forces you to seriously consider the goals that are really important for you this upcoming year, and create a visual depiction of those that you hang on the wall as a constant reminder. Lots of pics from magazines, coloring books, word cut outs, stick on letters and numbers…whatever your inter-artist self imagines. It is something I highly recommend.

You can think of it as the modern day version of setting your New Year’s resolutions, except for maybe the food, alcohol, laughing, and group sharing that goes on in this version. While on the surface it seems like an easy exercise to continue this year, the real spirit of the exercise is the annual gathering of your tribe of besties who you can count on to tell you exactly what they see as good or bad about your vision. It often times forces you to build it bigger, accelerate it quicker, or even rethink it completely. COVID has made that gathering impossible for many of us this year. Just another reason to kick 2020 to the curb. We can add it to the list!

I’m not suggesting, however that you allow COVID to force you to abandon the vision board concept this year. Instead let me share with you what my version of that activity looked like. Instead of attempting to replace my tribe with a Zoom Happy Hour…(why am I the only one actually drinking at those?)…I decided to create a Tribe Trip Wall instead. Because my vision for 2021 includes reconnecting with all my tribes (yes I have many), I took an empty wall of my upstairs loft office and turned it into my Tribe Trip Wall. I printed out a bunch of 4 x 6 pics of all the great trips and special get togethers with my tribes, put them in frames, and hung them on a wall. Now everyday, I will look at it as I walk by on my way to my desk. It will be a constant reminder that my vision for the 2021 year is to travel, and hug, and laugh, and bitch about 2020 with the people that matter in my life someday soon. Yes, I have work and health goals too. But this year, my people goals seemed more important to feature front and center. So while ALL my goals are on paper, my tribe goals…they’re on my wall for all to see.

SIP Series: Dime- Nickel-Quarter Circle of Friends

Excerpt from SIP TIPS Season One, Episode Three (click her to view)

Authored by Casey Steinbacher

Believe it or not, there is a lot of social science around the concept of relationships; specifically about how our brain is actually wired to accept and manage relationships in our life.

We all intuitively know that FRIEND relationships are important in our lives. In the work that Jes and I have done with many women in our workshops, the circle of support and influence that women have cultivated in their lives has clearly become one of the most important indicators for their success.

We’ve all heard the saying “your circle of friends”. We know that all of the friends we have in our life don’t fall into one big circle but instead into different levels of friend circles. In our “Finding Your Next” program we help you understand the difference and importance of each those friend circles so that you can intentionally curate each in a way that provides the most impact for your life and theirs.

We refer to this as your dime, nickel, quarter circle of friends.

For most of us, there are a few, very close friends that are the most important to us. They are with us through thick and thin. And their intensity doesn’t diminish with time or distance. These are our Dime Circle; our smallest but closets circle. Our ride or die squad.

The next circle is our Nickel Circle. This group is larger but still impactful and we work at maintaining a relationship with each of them. They may not go as deep or long as the dime squad and they may come in and out of our life at different times, but the Nickel Circle is always full of our raving fans.

Then finally, our largest circle is our quarter circle. A little more directly removed from our life, they still value the relationship. They provide support and influence, but more on an as needed basis. Their contribution, although more occasional, is provided with the same helpful intent and willingness as our other two circles.

I often times use this example to help people understand a little more clearly the difference between each of these circles. Picture something happening in your life that ends up with you in jail. And while in jail, you are told that you are allowed one phone call. If you chose to use your one call to call someone in your quarter circle, they would tell you not to worry because they know the very best defense attorney in the country and they will call them right away. If however, you chose to use your one call to call someone in your nickel circle, they would tell you that they’re running out the door, jumping in the car, got the cash for bail and they will have you out of there in the hour. BUT if you chose to use your one call to call someone in your dime circle…you would have wasted your one call, because your dime circle is already sitting in the jail cell with you. Ride or Die Squad, remember? Co-conspirators in everything.

So, ask yourself. Who’s in your jail cell with you right now? And if you can’t answer that question, let us help you discover and curate your Dime…at our Finding Your Next workshop this Fall.

Catch Episode 3 here. And register today for the upcoming fall workshop Finding Your Next before it sells out.

The SIP TIP Series: Sipping in Place while Sheltering in Place.

An introduction to a five part video series to help you think about Finding Your Next

An excerpt from SIP TIPS Season One; Episode One with Jes Averhart and Casey Steinbacher.

Normally, the three of us, Jes Averhart, Casey Steinbacher, and Esther Campi, would be putting the finishing touches on our two-day women’s empowerment workshop called Finding Your Next. But like everything else in this COVID moment in time, we’ve had to push the workshop back until September. Finding Your Next is a one of kind journey of self discovery, specifically designed for high performing women looking for what’s next in their lives. As the founders and instructors for this experience we know first hand the value of a guided process of reflection that challenges you to embrace your authentic self and encourages you to level up and Find Your Next.

So rather than wait, we decided to create a series of short, informative and conversational videos that will share some of the program’s content. And why not. You’re sheltering in place. We’re sheltering in Place. We might as well do it together.

And if we’re gonna SIP, we might as well really sip, and enjoy some wine while we’re at it.

Today we thought’s we’d introduce the concept and give you a quick high level look at episodes 2 through 5. In our next episode we’ll begin by giving you an overview of Crucible Moments: those moments in your life that you might not realize help create the next best versions of yourself. We help you find the Lessons Learned and the Lies You Tell Yourself in those moments.

Episode 3 will take a few moments to help you remember the importance of your tribe. Everyone needs that circle of friends that help shape and influence their lives. What most people don’t understand is that there are multiple circles of people and influence that are important for you to have. Understanding the difference in those circles is beneficial in helping you curate the people who will be part of them.

Episode 4 is a great lesson in personal branding. Many of us are extremely good at articulating the brand of the company or organization that we work for. But very few of us are comfortable at describing our own personal brand. Self promotion when done correctly is not arrogance but confidence. The kind that everyone wants on their team.

And finally episode 5 will try and get you a little bit more comfortable with this whole concept of the new normal. Uncommon times call for uncommon solutions. So getting comfortable with uncommon is critical to your success. Join us for tips on how you might get there.

We hope you join us for the rest of the series.

Here is a link to this episode 1 and to the registration link to the September Finding Your Next Program. The program is designed to be intimate and intense so slots are limited. Please register today to ensure you have a seat.

Guard Your Energy Wisely

Guarding your energy is way more important than guarding your time.

It took me a long time before I truly understood the importance of my personal energy. Maybe it was because I grew up in an era that for women to succeed in a career, they often times needed to acquiesce to the skill sets deemed more appropriate by their male counterparts. Of course we needed to be smart, but not too smart; what I refer to as demurred intelligence. And of course you had to be articulate, but not too articulate. And a team player, but never the captain. And positive and optimistic, but in a supportive kind of way.

So when referred to as the ‘energizer bunny” twice in my career by important men (both Presidents of their respective State Senates at the time), I was not honored. I was horrified. Could this be what people see? Not my sharp business mind, political savvy, or articulation skills. It took me a long time to realize my energy was how I commanded their attention and then developed our relationship. It was not a bad thing. It was indeed one of my superpowers. As you should know from reading my previous blogs, I am a big believer in discovering and utilizing your personal superpowers!

Like all superpowers, the trick is learning when and how to use it. I can’t tell you I have perfected that but I have gotten better over the years. And a comment made by Molly Fletcher at a conference I attended once really helped me with that. Molly is a phenomenal speaker, previously a sports agent; and talk about a male dominated business! In her talk she said “guarding your energy is way more important than guarding your time”. The instant she said it, I got it. While it’s not a good thing, wasting time is not near as damaging to your personal self then wasting your energy is. Using your energy in a way that is non productive, non reciprocated, can drain you and cause you to lose even more time just trying to get it back.

I reminded myself of that this morning. I was feeling anxious and drained. It started yesterday, but was still there when I woke up this morning. Luckily for me, I live the kind of life now that allows me the space to sit and wonder why. Wondering is another superpower of mine by the way. I LOVE to wonder. Sidetracked, see how easy it is for me wander while I’m wondering? Sorry. So in my thoughts I ran through everything that could be the cause. And when I couldn’t land on one thing, when everything seemed to be the cause, I took a deep breath and just asked myself why. But even then, I just didn’t even have the energy to think through this. And that’s when it hit me. Damn girl…what happened to my Energizer Bunny self?

There are a lot of reasons your energy gets depleted. And it’s easy to think it’s your fault. That’s often true. What is more difficult however is to accept that you have given more energy to your world than it has given you back. And that is only your fault because you let it happen. You did not guard your energy. You let people in who were energy drainers. It so typical of me, and many women I know, to ignore the lack of energy being reciprocated, and instead, double down on giving more. It’s like me saying…”Hey people, just take my positive energy and use it for yourself. It’s ok that you give me nothing in return; or give me negative energy back. It’s what I do. So go ahead. Enjoy it as I curl up on the couch trying to figure out why I can’t answer the door all the while believing you might someday give me energy too”. Seriously, it sounds so much worse when you put it in print. But it is what is happening!

And that was my day yesterday. But it is not going to be my day today. Today I will intentionally avoid the energy drainers that got to me this past week. Today I will re-energize and use that new energy to become “Force Sensitive” as they say in Star Wars. Today, “I am a Jedi. I am one with the Force and the Force will guide me”. Come on…it’s way cooler than being the Energizer Bunny, right?

Sunday Musings About God and Church

Sometimes it takes a preacher

I am 63 years old, married 34 years, and a widow now for 7. It’s important you know this to fully appreciate the point of this blog post. You should also know I was born and raised as an Irish Catholic and married a German Catholic, my high school sweetheart, when I was just 21 years old. We met in Catholic School, and our three daughters attended the same Catholic school. All three of them are married to Catholic husbands.

So let me tell you why this matters. In the last 5 years of my 7 years as a widow, I have stopped attending church regularly. Now understand, as a Catholic you go to Church EVERY Sunday. And now, all of a sudden, I wasn’t. Up until today, I don’t know that I could articulate why that was. No sense of anger or sadness. It just was. But the answer came to me today at…of all places….church! Occasionally these last five years, I have attended a non-denominational church here in Durham with friends. Yesterday, I felt the need to attend. The reason why is a WHOLE OTHER blog post. But having just gotten back from Church, I needed to type this story out, so that’s what you’re getting today.

I attended New Hope Church….with Jes, one of my Dimes. (“Dime Circle” is ALSO A WHOLE OTHER blog post for another day). I have attended this church with her, and occasionally by myself, when I felt the need. I love its diversity..people of every color and nationality.. and the music, just WOW. Now let’s be real for a minute. As a Catholic, I had to get comfortable with its unabashed love affair with Jesus. But hey, everybody but Catholics and Jews are part of that club, so why not. Today’s sermon was the first in a series on Marriage. I didn’t know that when I got in the car with Jes to go. In hindsight, it’s a good thing because I don’t think I would have gone; the topic not really resonating with me at first glance. But God works in mysterious ways, does he not?

The guest preacher was Clayton King. He and his wife, also part of his ministry, were there as part of the kickoff of the Marriage series as key presenters at both a weekend program and Sunday services. Much to my surprise, he drew me into his story, his message, right from the beginning. His quote that his “wife was the fourth voice of the Holy Trinity” in his ear on a daily basis is worthy of its own blog post (so that’s three more blogs and counting). He gave a great talk that framed marriage as a three-way partnership with God as the central figure. That it wasn’t about just our individual happiness, but the collective “we” that produced the greatest love and impact. I’m paraphrasing. He’s words were much better. He admitted marriage was hard and was messy. But it was ALL those things because… it mattered. And when something matters it is worthy of the hard work to get it right. And it mattered because the collective “we” mattered. We collectively belonged to each other, needed and supported each other, and were better as a result of it. And isn’t that what we’re on the earth to do, to just be better?

Now that is a short description of a much more eloquent 45 minute conversation. I know you’re thinking right now… I bet her “come to Jesus moment” in this 45 minutes of reflection was the belonging and mattered part, right? Well…kind of. Once I got home, my heart and mind kept coming back to it. And I’ve learned to listen to my heart and mind when it won’t let something go, because eventually the light shines and I see it. In this particular case the “it” surprised me. I came to the realization today that my faith was inexplicably tied to my marriage. That I went to Catholic Church every Sunday, sent my children to Catholic School every year, because it was a shared “we” experience. It was as natural as breathing. And when the children were raised and the husband was gone, where was the “we”? And don’t get me wrong, I never lost faith. But I did lose purpose. Because my life…my purpose….as I knew it was NEVER about me. Just the collective we. Without it, who was me?

I totally get that there is still a “we” here with God. But what I understand now, was that I wasn’t rejecting the Casey/God collective “we”…I just didn’t know how to do this new “we”. And I probably still don’t, because I’m still figuring out the authentic me part. But for the first time in a long time, I think I want to figure it out. So thank you Clayton King for pushing through the fog and creating some clarity around the why. I have no doubt I can figure out the what and the how now that the why, the purpose, is so clear.

So next time, I’ll make the official stop at the New Hope Welcome table. I’ll rib Pastor Benji that it took a visiting preacher to get me to join. I’ll grab a Starbucks in the lobby (yes, they have a Starbucks in their lobby and that really does matter). I’ll find my seat early and up front to catch the incredible band that plays at every service. I ‘ll do my normal old white lady singing and swaying and dancing when they begin to play and I’ll appreciate the black and brown people around me smiling at my good intentions rather than shaking their heads in horror. I’ll be there to just work on understanding the “me” in the new “we” the two of us are creating. Cause I believe God likes the authentic me. Come on, why wouldn’t he… he created it. I just have to find it again.

My Life in Movies: Wakanda Forever.

In honor of the 2020 Oscars, here are the movies that best represent the chapters in my life so far…what are yours?

I watched an interview recently, where 20 year NBA veteran Jamal Crawford said that he viewed his career like a hip hop artist dropping albums. Using Jay Z as an example he likened his Chicago Bulls playing time to Jay Z’s Reasonable Doubt album. On the other hand, his New York Knicks career was more like The Black Album. And while I wouldn’t begin to embarrass myself or any hip hop artist by attempting to view my life through their magical music, I did get to thinking about how the plot lines in the story of my life would definitely relate to some great movies that we all know and love. I’m sure that idea was not so much my original thinking as it was the result of too many hours of watching this years Oscar’s show. And yes, I did get the whole Eminem thing, unlike most of the crowd.

Putting the many years of my life into just a few chapters isn’t easy, but let’s begin with the first two decades as chapter one. My high school rebellion, college craziness, and pre-marriage years can best be summarized by the BREAKFAST CLUB; not any one character, but bits and pieces of all five of the stars in this film. I went through every one of those phases, sometimes two at a time. And yes, I did my fair share of detention, smoking in the senior lounge, sleeping through my freshman year, worrying about grades, and wearing combat boots and oversized sweaters. And if that’s a difficult visual for you to believe, I can guarantee you that my High School BFF’s, who still matter in my life, will comment on this blog with a 70’s “true that”.

The next two decades of my life provides a chapter title that’s pretty obvious: SPEED. Not because I ever drove a bus or was almost killed by a bomb, or that I fell in love with Keanu Reeves…well ok I did fall in love with Keanu Reeves…alright, alright, I’m still in love with Keanu Reeves; but mostly because those years where just a constant pedal to the metal, praying you wouldn’t crash feeling every day, all day, hoping you are doing this thing called life right. Married two weeks after graduating from college, pregnant three months later, building a career, raising three daughters, moving to a new state not once but twice, losing both my parents, and fighting for equality was a crazy ass bus ride. It sometimes felt like 50 miles an hour and steady, sometimes 80 and frighting, and sometimes a very slow and depressing 25. But just like Sandra Bullock, I had my own Keanu Reeves helping me keep a steady foot on the gas and two hands on the wheel. My husband and I navigated our way through it all when many couples would not have; and my children appear to be none the worse for it. Although, let’s all just admit one thing. We really wanted Sandra Bullock and Keanu Reeves to end up together in real life, right?

And then there’s this chapter. There are so many films I could go with for the next two decades of my life but I decided on the movie WILD. While these were definitely some of my absolute best years, they were also sometimes the ones I questioned the most. With the kids grown and married, my career on auto pilot, and the freedom to explore, I started to think about my legacy. And I’m not always quite sure what it is. And just as I’m wrestling with the question of me and who I am, I lose my husband. In this chapter I’m no longer a wife but a widow. Now there is only me. I really question who I am, where I’ve been and where I’m now going. I wonder if the path my life has taken was the right one. And just like Reese Witherspoon in the movie, I eventually realize that all those things I’ve questioned about my life is what has brought me to here. And here is my life. It belongs only to me. Unlike her character in the movie however, I chose to spend my time in therapy to reach that conclusion rather than backpacking thousands of miles of wilderness along the Pacific West Trail.

And now we come to my current chapter. This analogy is going to have you saying WTF? But…only a couple of years into this next two decades, I am living the life of BLACK PANTHER. And yes, I am fully aware I am not black, nor male, nor a super hero. But what I believe resonates with people (and especially me) in this movie, is the wonder and awe of Wakanda. I am living very happily in a state of Wakanda in this chapter of my life. Full of love for what my live is and what it could be. It is peaceful like the fictional country of Wakanda, but always looking for the next better way to live. I am not however naive enough to believe that danger isn’t always lurking near by. And so I stock pile my own stash of vibranium..my tribe of people that will always be there to protect my wonder and awe. So all is good. And let’s be real here. Who doesn’t love those bad ass warrior women. And the clothes? Yeeeessss..Wakunda forever for me!

Finding Me First

A story of how a quest to find what was next in my life, became easier once I found the authentic me.

The great Oprah Winfrey once said, “The secret to life is there is no secret to life. You need to be honest with yourself, and do the work. There is just you, this moment and a choice.” These wise words are words I now live by. But it took a forced journey into finding what’s next to really embrace them.

For a whole bunch of reasons we won’t explore in this particular blog post, I have been pretty consistently dabbling in providing women’s empowerment programming the last 3 years. And I am always surprised at the “repeat attendees” that show up time and again to the programs. It was the wise words of the program’s Co-Founder, Jes Averhart that finally resonated when she said to me..”Why does this surprise you? You know women are constantly going through some new shit in their life and they need to remember how to”. And she is right, we are, and we do.

Which also means we are always struggling through some process of trying to “find what’s next“. Sometimes the journey to find what’s next is self imposed and sometimes it’s forced, giving you no choice. These journeys may differ in their urgency and intention, but always equal in the end result.

The last 7 years of my story have been full of both; forced and self imposed. None more forced than the day I became a widow. I lost my husband at the age of 56 to a rare blood disease. We lived on 6 acres in the woods with a large house and several buildings that housed his dog training business. My children were grown, married and living across the US. I made the decision to sell the property and buy a smaller version of my house in town, closer to my job. I wasn’t upset about selling the property. It was located 20 minutes from my work in a remote section of the County. I was clearly unable to maintain the property and living alone in the woods that far out of town was not something that I felt good about.

Once the house sold, I bought a similar but smaller house closer to my work in downtown. I downsized some but brought most of my existing furnishings, put a fence up for my husbands dogs, and moved in.

Within 3 months, I hated it. It took me a long time, and an awesome therapist, to really understand why. It wasn’t that the house was too small…or the neighborhood inappropriate….or that I missed my neighbors. In my forced movement to what was next for me as a widow, I allowed myself no time to discover who the next ME was before I made those choices. I misread the moment as urgent and as a result, I kept my life exactly as it had been before my husband died….and just moved it to another house, expecting it to be the same. But it wasn’t the same. It was never going to be the same. And I was never going to be the same. I was trying to live OUR life, instead of MY life.

So with the help of friends and family, I spent some time figuring out what about me in my new reality was still the authentic me. What did I know to be true about me. I became intentional about becoming self aware of what parts of my life were non negotiable; and what parts of my life I could comfortably put away in my memory box. This was not an easy exercise with my constant Irish Catholic guilt assessing everything I was choosing to let go of or change. But in the end, I got comfortable with what the new ME was. Here’s what I knew to be true. I loved my work and the community I lived in and worked for. I didn’t want to change that. I needed to live in a property that I could easily maintain and would make my commute easier. I had minimal need for extravagance and prioritized uniqueness and experience instead. With our without a husband, I was, and am a social extrovert and needed a personal connection to where I lived and the people around me.

Once I had ME figured out, I embraced the ‘just you” part of Oprah’s wise words. I knew who just you was. And that made it so much easier to recognize “that moment in time” part of those same words. At a work lunch one day, I heard about an apartment that was in a great urban re-use development two blocks from my work. It was just one of 12 apartments in an old converted warehouse building and would go fast. It was something I could maintain, supported my work and made the commute to work stupidly easy. It was small but open and original to its architecture. I could afford it and still spend time and money on experiences. It was authentically me.

So then, in that moment, I made the choice. Just 7 months after I bought my new house, I put it back on the market and leased the apartment. The house eventually sold and I still live in the apartment today. Once I made the choice, I owned it. I have intentionally curated the community of people that live in the building to become a community of supportive friends in my new life. It supported my forced journey to find what’s next. Several years later it also served as the backdrop to my own self imposed journey to find another next. In my new business, it has hosted people from all over the world…musicians, futurists, corporations, media, investors, entrepreneurs, movie producers, and more. All have hung out on Casey’s Couch. Understanding the authentic me was something that I always intuitively knew was important, but this journey taught me to not just understand it but to feed it, nurture it, grow it. It has been an important lesson on the journey to finding what’s next for me and has been helpful in my new career.

So many people routinely ask me, how? How did you find your next. And my answer is always the same. First I found me. The authentic me. Then everything else just made sense.

28 Days In…

AN UPDATE: On the 66 Day Journey to Positive Habits.

So…if you know me…I mean really know me. It would not surprise you at all that I am posting my first update 28 days in to my 66 Day Journey to Positive Habits. You remember that blog, right? You know…the “it’s a new year, and here’s how I’m going to improve my life” deep essay at the beginning of the year. The expectation that I set for myself in that first blog was a weekly accounting of how well I was doing. The point in doing that was to share with you lessons learned along the way and quite frankly, a little bit of accountability on my end. YEAH…so much for a renewed effort on accountability in 2020.

But all is not lost. It is said that in failure there is great opportunity for learning. And if I have learned nothing in my failures, it’s that’s it’s also a great opportunity for SPIN. So do not think of this post as long overdue. Instead, think of it as me intentionally waiting until I had passed that first 21 days that research says is necessary for your new behavior to start feeling normal. So now everything I share is “officially research tested”. I know, that’s me….always thinking of how to “officially” help.

So before my “official findings”, let me provide some context to the story. I am widow of 7 years now, after an incredibly happy 36 year marriage to my high school sweetheart. We were clearly the ying to each other’ s yang, and it worked. And while in my heart, I always knew he was the discipline side of our lives, in my brain I somehow retained this notion that I “allowed him to be the discipline side”; because surely I possessed the discipline necessary for my own life, right? Wrong…so, so wrong.

I didn’t come to grips with this realization until a good 5 years after his death. And even after reaching that point, I lived the next 2 years with the rationalization that discipline wasn’t really necessary in my life at this point anyway. Again, Wrong…so, so wrong. Finally, both my heart and my brain started screaming… it’s time this issue gets addressed. Writing about it and creating a public accountability seemed the perfect way to ensure success. And.. one more time, Wrong…so, so wrong.

But there are lessons learned on any journey and remember, mine are “officially researched tested” lessons. So let me share just a quick few that were glaringly obvious in just 28 days.

JANUARY 1st IS NOT FULL OF SPECIAL FAIRY DUST

I understand the thinking behind the idea that the first of the year is a good time to start anew. And typically, there are a lot of people that start out with strong early commitment in January and that inspiration to begin the year with healthy, productive behavior. Unfortunately, not me. In my case the first two weeks of January had three major deadlines that had me living with fast food, caffeine, old sweatpants, and a laptop permanently connected to my thighs until 2am most days. The concept of a new year can be a strong motivator for change. It can also be an unrealistic trap that leads us to continue rationalizing why bad behavior because good behavior isn’t attainable. There is no special fairy dust in January that makes change inevitable. The best time is the time when it works best for you, and if that’s August 29th, then go for it! For me it turned out to be January 18th, when my deadlines were passed and salad sounded good again.

TAKE THE LITTLE WINS

Like most people, my new disciplined life full of healthy habits required a major overhaul of many of my daily routines. So I started off with a major overhaul of both my morning routine and my nighttime routine. I devised a very specific hour and a half routine each day and night that would ensure I was using my time in a healthy, self reflective, and efficient and preparatory way. About 40% of the routine I had already been doing, but about 60% was new or an increased amount of what I had previously been doing. Within 5 days I had gotten into a routine of about 60% of it…and have never progressed beyond that. But guess what? The 20% I added is a great healthy addition. And a couple weeks in, I’m still doing that extra 20%….well, most days. Take the little wins. Adding little wins over time gets you to the same place. And it creates a real confidence that the next 20% is possible.

VISUALIZE IT UNIQUELY YOUR WAY

I’m sure you’ve heard that new age wisdom…see it, then be it! A lot of great athletes spend time visualizing their success, so why not us average people? No… I did not just mean to imply that you should spend time every evening visualizing you taking your vitamins the following morning. But what I have learned about myself, is that I am a visual learner. It helps me to process how it all works, when I can see it on paper or on a whiteboard. Knowing that, I took a big poster board and mapped out the morning and night routines…with pictures and colors and arrows and smiley faces and clocks. And then taped it to my closet doors that I have to open every morning and close every night. Damn, if that doesn’t hit me in the face a couple of times a day. I keep a marker handy and add to it some days. Visualizing works. But it really works if you do in a way that uniquely resonates with you. I love mine now…but don’t ask. There is no way in hell I’m sharing it!

So there you go…28 days in…15 days of changed behavior…20% improvement. I’ll take that progress. See you at 56…I mean next week.